The Beauty of A Single LifeOn September 23, 2020 by admin
I’ve been single for about 4 years now. My last relationship was more of a relationblip and barely got going before it ended. My last major relationship was 9 years ago and it was 4 ½ years long. Four and a half years that took almost six years to recover from. After being in a long-term relationship that involved living together I feel like I have the relational experience and wisdom of someone much older. Not that wisdom comes from traumatic experiences, because when people are not healed from past trauma they speak from a place of hurt and words of wisdom become words of cynicism and are of no good to either the listener or the speaker.
But really I am quite proud of the progress I have made and the wholeness I have grown to after experiencing an unhealthy, slightly abusive relationship that ended in an explosive heartache that made Chernobyl look like a campfire. In the years since this relationship I became reacquainted with myself, learned how to address my relational needs in friendship, and learned how to take care of myself without becoming one of those women who refuse to let men open doors for them.
I’m at a content place, but simultaneously in a place of desiring relationship with the right person. It’s a strange juxtaposition I rarely see in anyone regardless of gender. Often I see people who want to be in a relationship and as long as they have chemistry and are attracted to the person in question that would suffice. I want more.
I don’t need to be in a relationship. My single adult years have been the best years of my life. In fact, that brief relationship I experienced was not better than any of my single time even when it was good. In my singleness, it wasn’t just the focus on myself, or my career, or my goals, but actually just the joy of being myself in my life with my friends going on our adventures that made me the happiest I have been in my life on earth yet.
So why the desire to have a relationship and get married at all? I firmly believe that no one can have any healthy relationship from a position of need. Need puts the other person in an unfair position of responsibility in someone else’s life for their shortcomings and emotional fulfillment. A relationship based on need will never make someone feel truly desired because they would be wondering if those needs were met, what would their value be in their partner’s life?
The only way a relationship can be truly loving is if someone already has their needs met in their own lives with their own community of friends and family. If all their needs are met and the desire is still there it is a matter of wanting someone, someone that would add on top of all the fulfilled needs. A relationship brings the adventure of getting to intimately know someone and the joy of giving love from the overflow you already have.
So Am I Dating?
I’m not actively looking for someone right now and I’m not not looking either. I am not going to jump into the arms of the first attractive person who pursues me. I’m looking around me, for the person who is mature, healthy, and ready to be in a relationship. One day that kind of person will be attracted to me and me to them. He will pursue me with honor and integrity. He will desire to give all the love he has from being filled by the healthy relationships in his own life. We will have intellectual conversations that aren’t about showing off our knowledge and intelligence, but actually bring new ideas and concepts we never would have thought of on our own. We will use our combined minds and talents to bring things into the world that will benefit more than just us. We will look not just intently into each other, but into the world around us to see what we can bring to it. Together.
But even if that never happens, my life is just as valuable in this season as it would be in a season of relationship. I won’t give up the joy I have found for being in a relationship’s sake. Honestly, I would be disappointed if it never happened, but even as a single person for however long I get to be one I will experience all the love and joy life has to offer.
I will love my friends and family well. I will invest in meaningful friendships. I will pursue creativity for the joy of it alone. I will be a great source of stability and wisdom to my friends with families. I will not let myself get bitter. I will not discount my experiences if they happen alone. I will not let myself think of myself as less than couples in my life. I will not believe the lie that people in relationships are happier than me.
Being Single is not who I am; it is just Where I Am.
I think if we all
believed knew that being in a relationship does not equal more happiness or fulfillment we would all be better about choosing the relationships we are in and we would embrace the necessary single seasons that prepare us to be great in romantic relationships.
No matter where you are in your relational seasons and no matter where you will go, now is the time to be experiencing the fullness of what life has to offer you. Not when you get married, not when you meet “the one”. Right now. Have your adventures now. Do things that make you happy now. Travel where you dream of now.
Have you been saving any experiences or emotions for the context of being in a relationship? Will you change anything about the way you see or live your life after reading this? Let me know in the comments below!